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Opening Serumonies*/Transcript
DISCLAIMER MR SATAN: 'The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, DragonBall GT, and DragonBall Super are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Shueisha, and Akira Toriyama. Pleease support the official release. ''(cut to an announcement, trailer style and epic music) '''COMMUNITY ANOUNCER: '''A challenge from a monster... '''PERFECT CELL: '''I'm making an *annoucement*! '''CA: '''A promise from a hero... '''MR SATAN: '''I'm gonna squash you... like the bug. You. Are. '''CA: In one ring... to decide it all. PERFECT CELL: '(''from far away) ''Are you filming up there? ''(Epic music turns into rock music and the background turns green) 'CA: '''Join us as it all comes together... AT THE #CELLGAMES! ONLY ON ZTV! With your boy, Jimmy Firecracker, reporting live on-site, as the mighty Mister Satan, takes on the sinister Cell, in a no-holds-barred fight, for the fate of the world! ''(cut to Goku and Chi-Chi's house with Chi-Chi and Ox King watching the announcement on the TV) '''CA: ''(from the TV) Will it be humanity's last stand!? ''(cut to Kame House with Chiaotzu, Master Roshi, Puar, and Oolong watching the same announcement on TV) CA: 'Or will the devil get his due!? ''(cut to King Furry and his guards watching the same announcement) (cut green background) 'CA: '''Find out this Sunday at the Cell Games! ''(music stops) ''Presented by HETAP. SEQUENCE ''(cut to Goku's house, military music starts playing, then cuts to Goku getting ready inside) '''GOKU: (singing) ''♩Got my wristbands on and my boots are tied, gonna get my friends and fight a bug guy♩ ♩Doo-doo-doo-today is fighting day'♩ ''(music stops) CHI-CHI: ''(runs out of the house) Goku! '''GOKU:' Hey, Chi-Chi! You comin' with? CHI-CHI: 'What? No! I... ''(sighs) Look, you already died once. I can take that. I can make peace with that. You're a fighter, and to be honest... it's why I fell in love with you. But Gohan? Not Gohan, not our baby boy. '''GOKU: '''Chi-Chi, come on, don't be like that. '''CHI-CHI: ''(disappointed) Goku. '''GOKU: '''If Gohan dies, that means the world's doomed anyways, so what will it matter? ''(Ox King and Chi-Chi stare at Goku in shock) GOKU: 'Okay, for the record, we know that I'm not great at this. But you know what I'm good at? '''CHI-CHI: '''Leaving? '''GOKU: '''Fighting! ''(runs and pops out) '''CHI-CHI: (grunts) OX KING: ''' Maybe I'll get lucky, and Cell and him would just kill each other. '''CHI-CHI: ''(high-pitched)'' DADDY!!! OX KING: 'Sweetie, I can only afford to support two Saiyan mouths, and you've got a bun in the oven. ''(cut to The Lookout with Future Trunks, Gohan, Piccolo, Dende, Mr. Popo, and Krillin. Goku pops in.) '''GOKU: Hey guys! Ha-ha, y'all ready for the- (looks at their faces of worry) for, for the... tournament. Wow, did someone die? Oh gosh, where's Yamcha? KRILLIN: Nobody's dead! PICCOLO: Yet. GOKU: Then why are you all so glum chums? Come on, today's Fightin' Day! KRILLIN: Goku, last time I fought Cell, he basically Tambourine'd me. PICCOLO: And he's gone through two transformations since we fought so...still trying to come to terms on that one, really. KRILLIN: Long story short: We're basically just going for moral support. GOKU: Oh, I know. But I'm just so excited guys! I finally get to *punch him*! Right in his handsome face! PICCOLO: Why do you keep calling him handsome? GOKU: Because that jawline don't lie, and neither do I. Now let's go, I don't want nobody getting a swing at Cell before me. KRILLIN: Ah, sure. Like anyone else would be dumb enough to show up... (cut to the Cell Games arena, with two reporters on a plateau, and Cell in the middle of the arena) JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Jimmy Firecracker here, live on the Cell Games, presented by HETAP...because apparently nobody else could take this job, but don't worry about me, because Jimmy Firecrack corn, and he don't give a f*ck! He'll take any job, he'll take every job, he'll take *your* job! And speaking of jobs...nobody else is here yet. Will Jimmy Firecracker have to get in that ring!? Does Jimmy Firecracker gotta come down there and *slap* that perfect jawline!? (Mr. Satan pulls up in his car to the arena) JIMMY FIRECRACKER: (offscreen) It looks like Cell has saved the wrath of Jimmy Firecracker as his first opponent has arrived. (onscreen) I'm receiving words that. This. Is. Him. Folks. (offscreen, Mr. Satan gets out of his car) The man, the legend, the winner, of the 24th Martial Arts Tournament, Mr. Satan! PERFECT CELL: Maybe shouldn't have made this an open invite. JIMMY FIRECRACKER: (offscreen) The champ has stepped up into the ring. Better update that TV-PG to TV-MA, cause you're about to see a full-blown massacre! (Mr. Satan tells the news reporters to come over) Wait, what this? (onscreen) The Champ is calling us down. Come on, Larry! What do I always say? (Jimmy and Larry run over to the arena) LARRY: (while running) Where there's smoke, there's firecracker, Sir! (camera zooms in on Mr. Satan and Cell) JIMMY FIRECRACKER: (offscreen) YER. GODDANG. RIGHT! JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Mr. Satan, sir! What do you have to say to your adoring public? MR. SATAN: First, to all the kids at home. (Puts cape over chest) Do *not* recreate the violence you are about to see. (cut to a town watching Mr. Satan give his speech, they start cheering) MR. SATAN: (from the tv) Unless you buy the new *MR. SATAN ACTION FIGURE*! ON SALE NOW IN STORES EVERYWHERE! (cut back to the arena) JIMMY FIRECRACKER: And why, Mr. Satan, have you come here today? MR. SATAN: Well, aside from being sponsored by HETAP, (cut back to the town cheering) Mr. Satan never backs down from a challenge, not when it comes to evil, (cut back to the arena) vile, wretched, comtemptible, (cut to the town cheering) wicked, monstrous... (cut back to the arena) PERFECT CELL: (while talking over Mr. Satan who is saying "...inhuman, dishonorable...") Definitely shouldn't have made this an open invite. MR. SATAN: Nefarious! (cut to Goku, Gohan, Piccolo, Krillin, Future Trunks flying, and a few feet ahead, Yamcha and Tenshinhan) GOHAN: Oh, hey! It's Tenshinhan and Yamcha! GOKU: (stops) Hiya guys! How you doin'? (Future Trunks, Krillin, Gohan, and Piccolo stop next to them) TIEN: Just heading to the arena. Vegeta passed us earlier; flipped us off. So that was a good way to start the morning. YAMCHA: Yeah, but we totally flipped him off back. TIEN: *I* flipped him off back. You just waved and laughed nervously. YAMCHA: Look, I don't have your mutually-sustained hate boner for the guy, OK! TIEN: I don't have a *hate* boner for him. YAMCHA: Dude, it's a pretty hateful boner. (cut to the arena, Mr. Satan is still talking) MR. SATAN: (offscreen) ...Painful, Iniquitous, Execrable... Villain. Like. You. (town cheers) MR. SATAN: Now what do you have to say to *that*!? (Cell stays silent) MR. SATAN: (mockingly) Oh, what's the matter? Satan got your tongue? PERFECT CELL: (seriously) Are you sure about this? MR. SATAN: (mockingly) Speak up, bug-boy! PERFECT CELL: You look like an extra from a budget porno flick. The kind where *everyone* gets tested afterwards, even the cameramen. MR. SATAN: (surprised) Oh... um, you're- PERFECT CELL: Did they find you in the subway? Were you homeless? Did you get your start in bum fights? MR. SATAN: (nervously) This is getting oddly personal... PERFECT CELL: Do you have any actual friends? Any relationships at *all*, that aren't about your money or your position? MR. SATAN: ...I have a daughter. PERFECT CELL: (mockingly) Oh, that poor orphan. MR. SATAN: (worried) Can we- can we cut to commercial? (Vegeta lands in the arena) JIMMY FIRERACKER: Another man has just touched down at the arena! Uh-uh, sir! Are you looking to take on the terrifying Perfect Cell? VEGETA: Get that mic out of my face, before I give you a colonoscopy with your camera. JIMMY FIRECRACKER: ''(worried)'' Message received, violent stranger! (runs behind the cameraman Larry) PERFECT CELL: (mockingly) Answer the question, Prince! Do you plan to take me on? Because I'm ready to throw down when you are, buddy. Come on, let's toss you through a mountain or five for old times sake. The old silent treatment, is it? Don't tell me you came all the way out here, just to stand around and look mean! (chuckles) Oh, I see, you took my advice, (Vegeta grunts) you're waiting for- ANDROID 16: ' ''(offscreen) Goku! '''PERFECT CELL: Hmm? (16 lands) PERFECT CELL: My dear Android 16! How wonderful for you to join us today! Are you here for- ANDROID 16: Goku! PERFECT CELL: Of course! Your little murder crush. JIMMY FIRECRACKER: And another mysterious stranger has appeared from thin air! Where do these people keep coming from, and who does their hair!? MR. SATAN: Obviously, they're just hidin' behind rocks, waiting to make their dramatic entrances, and usin' cranes and wires, to make it look like they're flyin'. Similar to the practical efects we used in (town cheering) Skygina II: Mr. Satan vs Dr. Boy-Man, in theatres Friday! (back at the arena) PERFECT CELL: Will you be participating in the games as well, 16? Or, are you just going to sit on the sidelines like the Prince over here? VEGETA: (grunts) ANDROID 16: GOKU! PERFECT CELL: OK, are you seriously, just gonna say his name, over and over? ANDROID 16: HE IS HERE! (Goku, Gohan, Piccolo, Future Trunks, Krillin, Tien, and Yamcha fly toward the arena) PERFECT CELL: Hmm? (Goku, Gohan, Future Trunks, Tien, Yamcha, Piccolo, and Krillin land in the arena) PERFECT CELL: And our roster is complete. I hope this day finds you well, Son Goku. GOKU: Slept a little weird on my arm, but, yeah. PERFECT CELL: I see you brought the whole gang along to witness our battle! Piccolo, Trunks... Tenshinhan. TIEN: ' ''(mockingly) Kiko-how you doin'? '''PERFECT CELL: '''Perfect. And Yamcha! What a surprise! How's it going man? '''YAMCHA: Oh! Uh, good. I brought towels and water bottles. PERFECT CELL: And like that, you've already contributed more than Vegeta. ANDROID 16: Hello, little duckling. KRILLIN: He-hey, 16! Looks like they fixed up your dome real nice, huh buddy? ANDROID 16: Indeed, I am now operating at 100% efficiency. And for some reason register 10 kilograms lighter. KRILLIN: '''Good on you, buddy, you look great. '''GOKU: Oh, hi! I'm Son Goku! Who are you? (stretches out hand) (16 looks at him and starts singing: Foreigner - I Have Waited So Long and doesn't shake his hand) GOKU: (whispers to Krillin) This guy's intense. MR. SATAN: Yeah, uh, I get paid for every second I'm on camera, so if we could just- JIMMY FIRECRACKER: (to Goku) Excuse me, sir! Are you or any of your freakish looking friends participating in the tournament today? GOKU: Oh, yeah! I'mma go punch that Cell a lot! In fact, if you don't mind, I'mma gun go do that right now! MR. SATAN: OK, enough! (pushes Jimmy away) JIMMY FIRECRACKER: F*ck! MR. SATAN: I am not playing second fiddle, to a bunch of gym rats, with too much time on their hands! *I* am the World Martial Arts Champion! And *I* will be the one to defeat Cell! GOKU: (gasps) There was a tournament? You won a tournament? I won a tournament! That means he's even stronger than Krillin! KRILLIN: Wait, hold u- uh, why me specifically? GOKU: Dangit, and I really wanted a turn! Oh well, I guess we'll just have to let the champ handle it. PICCOLO: Are you for real right now? GOKU: Yeah, he's the champ! He's got this. PICCOLO: I can't tell if he's serious, and that's very concerning. MR SATAN: '''Good! Now that we have rank all sorted out, I think it's about time I teach Cell, where he falls! Specifically at my feet, when *I*, Mr. Satan, end this little freak show, once and for- '''FEMALE ANNOUNCER: (offscreen from a helicopter) ''Hope y'all ready to get down and dirty with the three hottest stars from the Y Network! '''JIMMY FIRECRACKER:' What's this? New challengers from the bitter rivals of ZTV! MR. SATAN: (bitterly) Like we don't have enough knuckleheads hoggin' ma' spotlight! PIIZA: ' ''(offscreen) Comin' to you live from the Cell Games Arena. It's Piiza! '''PIROSHKI: (offscreen) Piroshki! CARONI: (offscreen) And Caroni! (Cell fires a ki blast at the helicopter) CARONI: (offscreen) And we are... (Helicopter gets blown up, and everybody is surprised, Cell smirks) JIMMY FIRECRACKER: (shocked) Did- did those people just die? MR. SATAN: Pfft, don't be an idiot Jimmy. Obviously, that was just an unmanned remote-control cargo robot with a voice record- (one of the bodies falls in front of him) AND FILLED WITH FAKE CADAVERS FOR ADDED EFFECT! I'll give 'em points for effort though. JIMMY FIRECRACKER: Mr. Satan ain't no one's fool! GOKU: Go champ! (Mr. Satan breaks a rock with his head) KRILLIN: If we're lucky, it'll be that quick with this Satan guy, uh? GOHAN: Krillin, people are dying, and we're just watching. KRILLIN: Yep! MR. SATAN: Now, Cell... if that is your real name... PERFECT CELL: It's actually *Perfect* Cell. MR. SATAN: IT'S ACTUALLY GARBAGE! And Mr. Satan's gonna take out the trash. PERFECT CELL: Wait, you were serious!? You're actually gonna fight!? I thought you were just somebody's hype-man. MR. SATAN: I AM THE HYPE! VEGETA: KILL HIM! MR. SATAN: Now, try to get this on camera, Gary! LARRY THE CAMERAMAN: (offscreen) La- Larry! MR. SATAN: Cause I'm gonna end this in a single blow, and it's gonna be: FASTER THAN LIGHT! SATAN PUUUUNCH! (Mr. Satan throws a punch at Cell, blocks it and throws him into a plateau, Mr. Satan slides down) (There's silence and the scene cuts to the town that was cheering, which stopped cheering) RANDOM DUDE: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! SEQUENCE STINGER (cut to 16 finishing singing I Have Waited So Long by Foreigner) ANDROID 16: HELLO, MY NAME IS 16, MAY I PLEASE KILL YOU? GOKU: ' ''(to Krillin) '' Hold on. ''(to 16) What'd ya say!? '''ANDROID 16: (looks the other way) '' Nothing. ''(starts humming) OUTRO KAISERNEKO: Hey folks! Kaiserneko here, make sure to check out our gaming channel, as well as our post-release stream at 6PM Central at twitch.tv/streamfourstar. Link in the description. Also, make sure to check out, all the Cell Vs videos, leading up to this episode, plus our two new shirts at sharkrobot.com, All Hail Princess Trunks and Satan's I Am The Hype. Link in the description, and I'll see you next episode.